Mother’s Day

Every year I write a post about Mother’s Day and how I don’t really like it–especially in church. This year’s post takes that sentiment, weaves itself into a bigger net, and includes a litany you can use for your Sunday AM worship if it fits your context. Here goes…

 

God of creation, you have been in the business of birthing your children for generations.

On this day, we thank you for the women who have desired to do the same, who have labored to become mothers through childbirth or adoption. We thank you for the ways in which they teach us to love and care for ourselves and the world around us.

We pray for the women who deeply desire to become mothers but struggle to do so. We ask that you provide hope in the midst of disheartenment and that you remind these women that they are by no means less of a person because of imperfect biology.

We pray for the women who have loved and lost children—for whom this day is fraught with painful reminders of who and what they have lost. We pray that they may encounter you in new and different ways through other children in their lives and find peace.

We thank you for the women who have made a difference in our lives as mothers, who loved and cared for us in the ways you would.

We thank you for the women who have worked to be the best mother possible but whose experiences of parenting have not matched their expectations. We ask that you bolster these mothers, reminding them of the ways in which they lived up to your idea of motherhood.

We thank you for the women who tried to be mothers, who may have failed because they lacked the resources they needed to be present as mother. We pray for those sons and daughters who mourn the mother they are or were not able to have, that they may find in you, and in this community, the deeply loving and nurturing presence they have missed.

We pray for those sons and daughters who are motherless because of disease and death, that they may have a sense of your presence in the midst of their pain and the solace and joy that come with fond memories.

We thank you for the ways in which our lives are shaped by our mothers, by our quest for motherhood, and for motherhood itself.

Above all, Creator, may we all work to be the kind of parent for our children and the children around us that you have been for your children for generations. Help us to look to your Spirit as a guide for being parent—for knowing how to love, when to speak, when to whisper, when to stay quiet, how to play, how to nurture and comfort, and how to be present.

We ask these things of you, in the name of our Brother, Jesus. Amen.

 

***I’ll also make an attempt at tweaking this for Father’s Day next month. Be on the lookout.

Early Voting, Or Why I’m Still Really Baptist

It’s voting season around here, and it’s a well-known primary election for North Carolina–mostly for the Marriage Amendment. I am thankful, for many reasons, that early voting is an option. For one, the line is shorter. For another, it’s more convenient. And so, on Monday afternoon, I walked over to my community center to cast my primary ballot.

If I were to wait until election day next Tuesday, I’d be doing so at a local church.

The former seemed so much more appropriate. Mostly because I believe in the separation of church and state. Staunchly, I’ve come to realize. And voting in a political election at a church flies in the face of separating the two. Voting at a town community center just…fits.

Walking home from my community center got me thinking about this whole separation of church and state thing and my earliest attempts to understand it. I asked my youth minister when I was in high school, but never got a clear explanation of what it was or what it meant. It was clarified in my Baptist History class at Campbell, but the farther reaching implications have only become clearer for me in recent years–particularly as I’ve considered more deeply what it means to vote in a church versus a community center…or have a minister sign the state’s marriage license.

While all of the arguments fly around this amendment, and while pastors speak for or against it from their pulpits–in ways that harm and abuse one’s power in one case in particular–I am reminded that the reason I believe in the separation of church and state is because I have Baptist roots. Deep Baptist roots, apparently. Because real Baptists believe in it. In fact, Baptists are the reason we have freedom of religion in the First Amendment. Baptists also are believers of autonomy and freedom of the local church and individual beliefs. And even though I’m part of a non-denominational church, I’m still really down with all of that.

Ironically enough, it makes me a conservative Baptist.

But since those ideas have been…well…perverted…in many instances, it may make me a liberal Baptist.

Either way, I’m still Baptist.

I’m Only Half Crazy

A few weeks ago, my marathon dreams died on the Tobacco Trail.

It wasn’t because of any major injury. It was just the accumulation of weeks of long runs that weren’t so long or so good. And I was doing so well…for so long. I even did 15 miles around Lake freaking Johnson. But I just can’t seem to break that 15 mile barrier.

And so I contacted the race directors and found out that I had two days to make the switch from the full to the half…or I’d have to wait until the expo. SIGN ME UP…er…MAKE THAT CHANGE. So they did.

And so, instead of doing a FULL marathon on March 18, I’ll be doing the half. I’ll still get to see the best parts of the race course–the parts I really wanted to run. It has helped with the stress that has come from the discouragement of the crappy long runs. And made me realize that I have MILES to go before I’m ready for another marathon. But I learned a few things. And I trained better for this one.

Now I just have to squeeze in a few more long runs before this half. And yes, I’ll be jonesin’ for another 13.1 PR. We’ll see what happens.

The Cowardly Lion

I know I’ve been saying it for a long time, but it’s true.

I need to graduate and get a big girl job.

And I’m working towards that.* But then comes the question: WHAT job?

Whatever I can find?

Whatever presents itself and says, “Here I am,” while wildly waving its arms?

Something I’m good at?

Something I like?

I dunno.

But I’m scared that with whatever job I choose I’ll get “stuck” there. Not in an “I hate my job but I just can’t leave it” kinda way but in an “I’m so comfortable here and it’s known and easy and where in the hell did the time go?” kinda way.

I mean, I don’t have any grand schemes to change the world. I’d like to. I just don’t know what that looks like for me yet–if changing the world was ever meant to go on my CV. I think I’m just scared that I’ll lack the courage to move beyond what is known and familiar and…well…easy…ish.

Good thing my word for the year IS “courage.” Because it’s hard work to find it to be able to engage in the not so easy stuff of life.

*Note: I wrote this post while trying to motivate myself to write the Method section…which is the ONE section of a dissertation that kinda sorta actually writes itself. Oy.

A Fifth

I did my fifth half-marathon this past weekend in Charleston.

And got a new PR.

This was the second ever marathon, half-marathon, and 5K in Charleston for this group of race organizers. And it was evident for many reasons. I’m confident they’ll work out the kinks in a few years. The nice part was that it was small. As in, my chip time was only about a minute off the race clock. And folks, I’ve YET to run a race where that was possible. Also, we got a pretty cool medal. And you know you’re running in a southern coastal town when, at the finish line, they have boiled peanuts, shrimp and grits, and beer waiting for you.

Of course, I had to survive the wind that never stopped and the course that, once you got out of downtown, was so boring I was ready to gouge out my eyeballs. I should have occupied my time by counting warehouses. Then again, I probably would have lost count. Fortunately, I was hovering around a pace group and that kept me focused on different things. Like how likely they were to smoke me by the end.

But I did survive. The pace group did leave me, but I came down the chute with a sh*t eating grin on my face looking up at the race clock and knowing I’d done it. I shaved 7 minutes off my time from my last half in March of last year.

Not too shabby.

The other nice thing was that my legs and hips NEVER hurt. I just got tired. Part of that was, I think, because I didn’t really fuel up well the day before. Or the day of. Or the entire week before this whole nonsense was supposed to go down.

I thought I was going to be able to report that I’d run the race of my life. Because I did…for nine miles. And then that ninth mile was the longest EVER. And there was some walking between 10 and the finish line. What kept me going, however, was the knowledge that two cups of Shock Top awaited me at the finish. Don’t judge me, people. Beer is a GREAT recovery drink.

And then I got in that VERY LONG line for the beer…after I snagged some fruit, a bite of a bagel, some A-MAZING green tea that’s produced locally…and the longer I waited, the crankier I became. Then, FINALLY, I got up to the man with the taps to the sweet nectar and handed over BOTH of my tickets. That’s right. I two-fisted it outta there. And then dove back through the line for a cup of boiled peanuts (because they were warm and I was not). And then I headed over to the shrimp and grits area to see if one of my peeps was there. On the way, I drank beer #1. Quickly. As in, gone in thirty paces.

And lest you judge me for THAT, I would like to point out two things: (1) three cups, two hands–you do the math, and (b) holding two cups of beer when you’re already cold only makes you colder.

Which is why I made my way around to near the entrance of the tent to wait for my friend…and cuddle next to a heater. Meanwhile, I started in on those boiled peanuts and kept refueling my body with liquid. And then my friend showed up. He’d not yet gotten his shrimp and grits and we decided it was time. And then I took a step.

You know how when you’re drinking and not moving you don’t really feel the effects of what you’ve just done? And then you stand up/take a step? Yeeeeeaaaaaaah.

Wowza.

The shrimp and grits were kinda tasty. The boiled peanuts were freaking awesome. And I finally righted myself enough to head back to the finish line to wait for my best friend to finish the marathon.

I have to say…I was UNBELIEVABLY proud of Robin that day. Turns out she’d pulled off the course at mile 2 and debated walking back to the hotel.

Y’all. She does. not. quit.

Ever.

She gutted it out from mile 2 to the finish line. She’d been sick the week before and her stomach was jacked the morning of the race. She was never more proud of earning a medal than that one on Saturday. (And she’s done a half Iron Man). I was proud of her, too. Especially since that course only got more boring in the second half (kinda like the Patriots/Broncos game did later that night).

I’m also proud of her husband who scored a PR in the 5K, having shaved 5 minutes off his time in about 5 weeks. And thankful that he was able to still run support staff for us as well.

I also came away from that race feeling more ready for this full marathon I’m supposed to be doing in March. Of course, I have to register first…

Sacrilege

As most of you know, I periodically review some of the books I read…mostly because I get the book for “free”…with the expectation that a review will be posted here for everyone to read within 30 days of receiving the book. (I think I’m still under the deadline…maybe?)

I gotta tell you. This book was a really good one…in a terrifically awesome and disturbing way. So. Without further adieu…

What does it really mean to be like Jesus?

That is the fundamental question that drives Hugh Halter’s book, Sacrilege.

The conclusions Halter makes, and the suggestions that come from them, are what drive the title.

And maybe Halter’s proclivity for tattoos? Or piercings? Or drinking beer? Or open communion? Or not using the King James Version?

I digress.

Halter starts with the notion that Christians say they follow Jesus and want to be more Christ-like, but when you look at what those well-meaning Christians do and what Jesus did and compare the two…it’s not really working out that way.

So how should it work out?

Halter uses The Beatitudes as a framework for examining what Jesus said we should be about…and how that might actually play out in the 21st century (note the absence of the word “church” after century…chances are, it doesn’t play out there for most of you). Halter provides stories, examples, and challenges of what it might look like to be apprentices of Jesus…to be like Jesus, do what he did, and do it with the kinds of people he liked to hang out with (hint: Jesus was found more often with tax collectors and sinners…you know…not the typical church crowd…and less often with the typical church crowd). That’s not to say Halter thinks we shouldn’t do church because that’s not where Jesus hangs out. (Jesus went to Temple, people.) What Halter does provide, in addition to ways we can be Jesus apprentices as individuals and families, are suggestions for how churches might embody this apprenticeship as a larger community.

And, quite frankly, I love and hate him for it. Because that he proposes–indeed, the life to which Jesus calls us–is awesome and disturbing.

It means moving beyond places in which we find comfort. It means really doing something about the way each one of us allocates our resources of personal time, energy, finances, etc. It means opening ourselves up to the hurt and pain and joys of others–and being present for all of it in the messy, complex, nuanced lives each of us lives. It might mean closing the church doors one Sunday morning a month and the whole community engaging the needs of the community around it. It might mean, on any given evening, that your dinner table looks like an island of misfit toys.

I am thankful for the challenge. I am thankful for the discomfort. I am thankful for the grace that is present as I move…in fits and starts…toward being more like the real Jesus.

If you’ve been looking for a way to rethink family, faith, spirituality, church, scripture, and more, this is the book for you.

But it might ought to come with a warning label. Because you may never be the same after reading it. And that’s a good thing.

Year in Review–Books

I set a goal to read 30 books this year…I ended up with 33.

I’ll give you my top five for both fiction and nonfiction–and give a few nods to some audiobooks–and give you the full list in case you’re interested.So. Here goes nothin’.Top Five Fiction:

The Help. I mean really. Who DIDN’T love this book? I loved it for so many reasons. Stockett’s story and her incredible use of voice for starters. It also reminded me of my own experiences of growing up in the South with black women involved in my care as a young child. And it made me think of Mom. This book quickly skyrocketed to the top of my all-time favorites.

Faking It. This one was a surprise and a little bit of a guilty pleasure. But I also found myself on the pages of this book. What started as a semi-guilty pleasure chicklit type book quickly became a bit of self-discovery. Whether that happens to be true for you as you read this book, I highly recommend it.

The Faithful Spy. Alex Berenson was a new author to me. He has a protagonist who is aspy set in the present day, dealing with current events. In this one, the question is whether the leading man–who started as a US spy going deep cover with the Taliban–is still on our side or whether he has joined theirs. I’m looking forward to the next few books.

Georgia Bottoms. Another book set in the South. One that also deals with race and more recent attitudes about the differences between what it means to be black and white in this part of the country. It was charming with some really great wit and a couple of twists by the end.

The Marching Season. I am a big fan of Daniel Silva’s books–and especially his Michael Osbourne story line. This may have been the last of the Osbourne story, though it’s left open for more. I’m certainly hoping for more. In the mean time, I’ll be catching up on Silva’s other main protagonist, Gabriel Allon.

Clearly my fictional themes for the year were Southern Lit and Spies. I did read some big time books and award winners…and I listened to some really great fiction. Those are coming up…but first….

Top Five Nonfiction:

Birth: The Surprising History of How We Are Born. Wow. This was a surprising read–both because of the information included and for the way it read so easily. If you are interested in reproduction and what that process means for women…in all its glory, this is a good read. If you’re pregnant, trying to be, or considering it, it’s a good one for you, too.

The Purity Myth. I ended up reading this as part of a series of books on varying views on sex–partly for my own professional reading but also because I was prepping for a “purity” event for some adolescent girls at church. If you know me, “purity” isn’t my thing. (And, for the record, I did read a variety of viewpoints.) I appreciated this book for the way it addressed how our culture (including religion) views sex and what that means for men and women and our collective sexuality. Yes, Valenti is a feminist, so you should be prepped for that. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t give it a look.

Health at Every Size. I stumbled on this one thanks to a friend who posted a link about it on Facebook. And it was cheap on Kindle, so I thought I’d give it a shot. In some ways I’m glad I did. This book reminds us all that health is–or at least should be–our ultimate priority. So we should be taking care of our bodies so they will take care of us. This book also reminds us to consider the sources of our recommendations regarding food, weight, and activity. It also reminded me that we may not all look as healthy as we actually are.

My Korean Deli. This one was another pleasant surprise. It’s in the memoir category and it’s about a couple (he’s white American, she’s Korean-American) who buy a deli in New York City and give it a Korean twist–because ultimately, it’s the author’s mother-in-law who owns the joint. It’s about trying to make a go of it when you know nothing about owning a business…and the hilarious and not so funny mishaps along the way.

I Totally Meant to do That. Jane Borden is a local-ish NC native who takes off to see what life holds in NYC. Some have compared her to David Sedaris. I wouldn’t go quite that far, but her story is highly entertaining and worth a read if you like the memoir.

Audio Books:

The Girl Who Played with Fire.
The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet’s Nest.
I finally finished this series this year, and listening to it was the way to go. Simon Vance was a master narrator for this whole series. The writing itself was amazing, as I’m sure most of you know. As the first movie has recently come out in America, I’m actually looking more forward to the movies for these books. Salander’s story is quite a good one. Whether you listen to these books or read them, you simply must take the time to read this series.

Nigh Fall. This was a John Corey book by Nelson DeMille, and it was a different way of telling a story. DeMille puts Corey into an investigation of a real life event (the 1996 crash of TWA flight 800) and provides background from all the sources. The official report was that the crash was due to mechanical failure. But there were conflicting reports…and Corey works to get to the bottom of it. It’s John Corey with his usual snark, narrated by Scott Brick who does so in a good New York brogue. Another one to get into whether you read it or listen to it.

The Full List for 2011:
Memoirs of a Geisha–Arthur Golden (I actually loved this books as well–which came as a surprise. But it was a fantastic story with lots of vivid detail.)
Sex God–Rob Bell
The Purity Myth–Jessica Valenti
Night Fall–Nelson DeMille
Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters–Meg Meeker
Real Sex–Lauren Winner
The Source–James Michener (otherwise known as the Damn Israel Book–I thought it would never end)
Fall to Grace–Jay Bakker
The Camel Club–David Baldacci
The Faithful Spy–Alex Berenson
Faking It–Elisa Lorello
Unsqueezed–Margot Starbuck
Annexed–Sharon Dogar
The Help–Kathryn Stockett
Room–Emma Donoghue (surprisingly good in a twisted sort of way)
Georgia Bottoms–Mark Childress
A Visit From the Goon Squad–Jennifer Egan (Pulitzer Prize winner; tough to read because of the style. I wish I could have appreciated it more.)
The Tiger’s Wife–Tea Obrecht (another big time award winner; another I wish I could have appreciated more.)
The Lincoln Lawyer–Michael Connelly (go read this if you like law fiction)
The Sweet Relief of Missing Children–Sarah Braunstein (good and slightly disturbing)
Women, Food, and God–Geneen Roth (if you need help with body image and/or eating habits, read this)
The Lions of Lucerne–Brad Thor (because I need another spy novelist)
Birth: The Surprising History of How We Are Born–Tina Cassidy
My Korean Deli–Ben Ryder Howe
The Girl Who Played with Fire–Steig Larsson
I Totally Meant to Do That–Jane Borden
The Confessor–Daniel Silva (Book 1 for Gabriel Allon)
Health at Every Size–Linda Bacon (the irony of the author’s last name is not lost on me)
The Gate House–Nelson DeMille (the sequel to The Gold Coast)
The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet’s Nest–Stieg Larsson
Zero Day–David Baldacci
The Marching Season–Daniel Silva
Sacrilege–Hugh Halter (another must read…awesome and disturbing…book review to follow)

2011 in review–Blog

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2011 annual report for this blog. I’d like to thank those of you who stuck with me and kept reading this year…in spite of my radio silence at times. I’m hoping there will be more blogging in 2012.

Here’s an excerpt:

A San Francisco cable car holds 60 people. This blog was viewed about 1,500 times in 2011. If it were a cable car, it would take about 25 trips to carry that many people.

Click here to see the complete report.

Blue Christmas

I was catching up on some blog reading just now and became acutely aware of just how…hard…Christmas is for so many. We are surrounded by…or affected ourselves by…loss and, at times, unspeakable grief. Christmas is a reminder that someone we love is no longer with us. And I’m constantly amazed at the number of people marking time at this time of year as the days leading up to and including December 25 are dates engraved on tombstones as death dates. Talk about a double whammy.

There’s a family in the midwest who are grieving the loss of a husband/father on this day, the second year after he died unexpectedly in a car accident. Black ice. Leaving behind a wife and a slew of children–many of whom were adopted. Three of whom were adopted about the same time Ryan was. From the same country.

There’s a woman in San Diego who will bake brownies tomorrow night and spend time outside writing a letter in a journal to her brother who died at the age of 22 from a heart attack. She’ll share a brownie with him and write about the year that is coming to a close. It’s how she marks the time that passes as she moves forward in her grief.

There’s been consistent news coverage in our area since Sunday night about the just-turned-21-year-old woman who was driving drunk and hit and killed a man who was a husband and father of four children. Hell. What do you say to that?

There’s the husband and daughter of a beautiful woman who died of cancer in August who will experience their first Christmas without her. I can’t say for certain, but I would imagine that Vicki did Christmas big. I can’t say for certain how her family will do this Christmas, but I firmly believe they will be surrounded by those who love them and who will share in the memory of Vicki.

And then there are those of us who may not be marking an anniversary, but we certainly have linked Christmas, in a very powerful way, with the one(s) we’ve lost. Most of us still participate in this holiday. We certainly give it our best shot. Some of us still aren’t there. But we all try to move forward, even if it means clutching the scars that remain.

Babies: Let ‘em cry?

Psychology Today recently published an article on the “Dangers of ‘Crying it out.’” I saw some chatter about it on Facebook, but didn’t have time to read the article or engage the topic initially.

And then a parent asked me what I thought.

So I read the article. And I have plenty to say about it. In some places I agree. In others, not so much. If you’re interested in my thoughts, I’m going to provide a couple of caveats and then dive in. Hang on for the ride.

If psychology and research sound like blah blah blah mumbo jumbo did you suddenly lapse into Chinese, this may or may not be the post for you. You have been warned.

Caveat 1: Parenting is an INCREDIBLY hard job. It’s the hardest–and hopefully most rewarding–work people do.

Caveat 2: Every child is different. Every parent is different. You have to find the parenting practices that work for you and your child. ***Please note that ANY form of abuse or neglect is NOT a viable parenting practice.

That said, here we go.

The article was written by Darcia Narvaez, PhD. She’s an evolutionary psychologist. Although there are parts of evolutionary psych I can get behind, most of it gets dumped by most psychologists who aren’t of the evolutionary persuasion.

The article appeared in Psychology Today. Although this magazine has some good stuff at times, a practicing psychologist referring to Psychology Today as his or her first line for empirical information about…well…anything is akin to a sex therapist relying on Cosmo for advice for his or her clients. Psychology Today is not a research publication. It is neither peer reviewed nor refereed. It is a publication in pop psychology.

But let’s not diminish entirely the knowledge of Dr. Narvaez. Here’s where I (and LOTS of good, quality research that has been published in peer reviewed, refereed journals) agree:

• Babies grow from being held. This is one of the reasons kangaroo care has been incredibly successful for premature infants.
• Babies are not able to communicate verbally, so they gesture and, if necessary cry to get the attention of their caregivers in order to get their needs met. Once they have gotten what they need, they are calm again.
• There ARE longterm effects of undercare or need-neglect in babies…and in children of all ages. (More on that in a minute.)
• Secure attachment IS related to responsive parenting.
• When a baby–or child…or adult–is stressed, cortisol is released, which can have physiological ramifications.
• Disordered stress reactivity can be established as a long-term pattern (not necessarily for life).
• Self-regulation can be undermined when parents don’t respond. But parents have to do a LOT of not responding for this to occur.
• Caregiver responsiveness is related to a lot of positive child outcomes and positive adjustment.

WE CAN NEVER UNDERESTIMATE THE VALUE OF POSITIVE PARENTING BEHAVIOR. These behaviors include warmth, sensitivity to your child and his or her needs, positive interactions with your child.

Narvaez cites several articles/books along the evolutionary psych lines. I didn’t look those up. What I DID spend time looking through was some of the stuff from the journal Development and Psychopathology. One article that was cited in particular is worth noting. I’ll spare you the summary I originally wrote because of its length. But here are the major take home points:

Ultimately, critics agree that our understanding of neurobiology and the effects of early experience on developmental outcomes is still new. We don’t know enough to make definitive statements. Here’s what we DO know:

• A SIGNIFICANT amount of growth and development occurs in multiple areas of a child’s functioning in prenatal and early postnatal years.
• These early years are likely a critical/sensitive period for children regarding the effects of exposure to toxins, nutrition and–possibly–stress.
• If a child has some type of neurological disorder such as PKU or autism, this period seems to be a sensitive period for long-term beneficial effects of early intervention on brain development and behavior.
• Parental mental health during this period is a significant factor regarding early brain activity and behavior in children, as well as long-term adjustment and outcomes.

Another thing we know:

• Not every child with a good beginning winds up in a good place. Conversely, not every child with a bad beginning winds up in a bad place. There are lots of terms for these things. About the latter, it’s called resilience, folks. And determining the risk factors that detract from and protective factors that contribute to resilience is the stuff of which careers are made.

A few other issues with the Psychology Today article.

Narvaez NEVER defines “crying it out.”

• I am not a proponent for neglect or abuse. Letting a child “cry it out” all. the. time. and never responding to his or her needs IS neglect, friends. And prolonged neglect and abuse DOES change one’s neural wiring. It DOES have long-term negative effects. Letting a two year old “cry it out” in a tantrum–assuming the child is not doing anything to intentionally harm him/herself–likely will not have long term negative effects. Letting an infant “cry it out” at bed time–assuming all other needs have been met and the child has not moved in the crib into a position that compromises safety (Thanks be for video monitors)–likely will not have long term negative effects. NEVER responding to your child who wakes up crying in the middle of the night–that’s a problem. NEVER responding to your child when he or she indicates a need–that’s a problem. Because it DOES compromise self-regulation (which children learn from primary caregivers, folks). It DOES increase cortisol, which affects neurobiology. It DOES create a long-term pattern of negative stress reactivity.

Narvaez NEVER talks about balance.

• Let’s assume for a minute that you have an established bedtime routine with your child–which should start when they are infants. (If you DON’T have a routine, try it out and see if it makes bedtime different in some way.) Let’s assume that this routine incorporates some down-regulating of energy. It may be kicked off by bath time, followed by a soothing rubdown with that Johnson & Johnson or Aveeno nighttime lotion with the lavender smell. How about a book? A few cuddles? Then the child is put in his or her bed with maybe a back rub and a song or two. Then the parent leaves. And the child cries. The child has not compromised his or her safety. All other needs have been met. And you let the child “cry it out.” Let’s also assume that, when the child IS awake, you are positive and engaging with your child, that you meet your child’s needs as quickly as possible. That you create a warm, secure, enriching environment for your child. Is there harm in letting your child “cry it out” at bed time then?

Here’s the other thing about soothing which was NEVER mentioned. Every child is different. Every parent is different. A child’s time to soothe (i.e., the time it takes for the child to calm down) will vary by child. If your child has a difficult temperament, the experience will be more challenging for the parent who feels exhausted, incompetent, and helpless because they can’t ever soothe their own baby for crying out loud. And the parent can become less inclined to engage with the child and less inclined to soothe distress. If this continues to occur over time, it CAN lead to psychopathology (e.g., anxiety, depression, attachment difficulties) (note I did not say psychopath…as in Silence of the Lambs. We have this generic label of psychopathology for ALL disorders lumped together).

One of the leading infant researchers, T. Berry Brazelton, suggests that if parents strike a balance between letting an infant cry for a brief period (i.e., 5-10 minutes) and providing comfort, babies gradually learn to soothe themselves better.

One of the parents who discussed the Psychology Today article on the Facey Face said that she and her husband basically do just that. If the baby cries, the wait a bit, then go in, rub her back and help relocate the pacifier. The baby calms down and they can leave. Sometimes return trips are necessary. The more regularly they do this, however, the less they are having to do it at all.

I know parents who let their baby “cry it out” at bedtime, and the parents found, in the long run, that bedtime became easier over time and that the baby grew into a competent, well-adjusted child/teen/adult (raises hand). I also know parents who respond to every cry or expressed “need” at bedtime and STILL have difficulty with putting their child to bed (i.e., the child is harder to put to bed) 3, 4, 5, or more years later.

Again, this is a practice that will vary by parent. And child. And you have to find what works (within reason, folks) because SLEEP IS IMPORTANT. I cannot stress that enough. But you also have to find balance and ways to engage in positive parenting behaviors with your child(ren). Because ultimately, that’s what seems to make all the difference in the world.