Some days–most of them, in fact–I can’t help but wonder if I’m too wounded to do this kind of work…if I should even show up for my paycheck. Because I sure don’t feel like I earn it. I’m just sort of here. Today is no exception. Though I had a 4-day weekend, I don’t know that I have what it takes to be here.
I took Friday off because I just couldn’t take this place anymore. So I decided Thursday morning to take a vacation day. Monday was comp time from an upcoming on-call. In between was a spa day with my mother-in-law and my sister-in-law. Our wonderful husbands got together at Valentine’s Day and got each of us a gift certificate to Mitchell’s Spa and we finally had a chance to use them. It was a day that consisted of a massage, lunch, manicure and pedicure. It was fabulous. And then we did a little shopping. Unfortunately, I couldn’t fully enjoy myself for several reasons.
It was also the day before Mother’s Day. And I was hooded for my M.Div. on Mother’s Day. Without my mom. Monday was graduation and I received the piece of paper that said I accomplished something. Without my mom.
While I love Al’s family and appreciate them being there for as much of the festivities as they could, it’s exhausting to be with them. They are extroverts and I am not. Most of them don’t really get the significance of Mom’s absence–and they certainly don’t understand the excruciating pain. I was already emotionally drained just on principle. Then I had to expend more energy to be with them and to keep my guard up around them. Which has mostly to do with me, but not entirely.
In short, I am one of the walking–and working–wounded…and I’m not sure if I can make it to August. I certainly feel that way today.