that’s a phrase that’s been rolling around inside of me for about a month now i think. i finally came to realize that some of my grief work involves grieving the death of a God about whom i’d learned while growing up, with whom i related, who i thought i knew…who no longer works (as well) for me anymore. that’s not to say i have completely demolished the foundation i received as a child/teenager at church…but i have definitely knocked out some walls and added on in places and demolished other parts i’d added on. and the renovations are nowhere near complete. but i am still in this process of grief and realizing that i’ve lost the God to whom i’d clung so tightly is kinda scary at times…and once again points to the loss of illusion…which at some point i’m sure i will grieve as well (i’m still pissed off about losing that right now). and i’m not sure who this God is who is springing forth (someone phrased it as “coming out”)…so i’m in the middle of the precarious gray between the known, perceived safe place and the unknown, even more precarious place (because i think God is way more than God does).